The United States and Low-Hanging Fruit

South Park’s Pete Hegseth

As disturbing as everything to do with President Trump can be, there is a certain consolation when it comes to his utter incompetence, deceit, cruelty, and narcissism—to name only a few. I suspect that is how the late-night talk shows and other comedians must see it. There’s so much rich material when it comes to his stupidity and public speaking appearances, one doesn’t have to work very hard to make a joke of him, and often those jokes are the plain truth.

All of this certainly applies to his “illustrious” staff as well. I mean, really, just pick any one of them and there’s an entire new chapter of satire to be written. 

Of those staff members, it’s hard to overlook Secretary of Defense… I mean War, Pete Hegseth (a.k.a., Warlord Hegseth). You could say he’s been my latest political muse since the United States attacked Iran. The excitement he has for the war and reporting on the war is akin to a high school girl that made the cheerleading squad. If I didn’t know better, this might be the most sexual thing that’s ever happened to him. Not that I would want to witness it, but I would bet his most profound erections in life have “emerged” with the commencement of this “war.” It’s possible that his wife is one of the most sexually frustrated married women in America right now. Consider it safe to say that Hegseth must have been deprived of playing “Army” as an adolescent. 

OK, that’s about as low as I’ll go here, but there’s more to discuss.

The Trump administration has often reminded me of a quote I learned long ago that starts out like this: “He who knows not, and knows not he knows not, he is a fool. Shun him.” I mean, that is Pete Hegseth in a nutshell. When I think of Hegseth, I’m reminded of that great Disney classic, Fantasia. Hegseth is Mickey Mouse as the “Sorcerer’s Apprentice,”incompetent, foolish, and totally in over his head. Worst of all, Hegseth appears to have no clue regarding the consequences of his actions. He’s intoxicated by the power that has been given to him as he pours gasoline on the fires he and Trump have started. However, in this version, the sorcerer is nowhere to be found to arrest the developing disaster.

A former ROTC commander of Hegseth’s alma mater, Princeton, once said of Hegseth, “His nomination (as Secretary of Defense) is an embarrassment and a disgrace to all who have served, or will serve.” One doesn’t have to know about war, or national defense, or military tactics to know that Hegseth is in way over his head.

Recently, I heard him bragging about the sinking of an Iranian ship (IRIS Dena) in the Indian Ocean—nowhere near war-torn Iran. Hegseth quipped in a press conference about the sinking of various Iranian ships, “The Iranian Navy rests at the bottom of the Persian Gulf. Combat ineffective, decimated, destroyed, defeated. Pick your adjective.” In the case of the Dena, it was a destroyer-size ship that was in route back to Iran following the ceremonial 2026 Fleet Review in India. Along with that, the crew participated in other events including the Indian Ocean Naval Symposium—hardly events associated with preparing for battle. The Dena could have been sunk anywhere and at any time if it had posed any kind of real threat. This was just a case of low-hanging fruit for Hegseth and his goons in the “War” Department—very much akin to their comrades at ICE and the bullying, injuring, and killing of unarmed American citizens.

There’s been a formidable amount of conflicting information for why this war was started by the United States. In the days leading up to the war, Trump’s “special envoy” Steve Witkoff claimed that Iran was “probably a week away” from having nuclear bomb-making material. Then during his rambling State of the Union address, Trump said Iran would soon have the ability to strike the United States with an intercontinental ballistic missile. All of this, of course, contradicted his own claims eight months earlier that Iran’s nuclear capabilities were “obliterated.” Following military action, Secretary of State Marco Rubio claimed that Iran posed an imminent threat as a result of imminent attacks from Israel—making it sound as if Israel was dictating the conditions of military action for the United States. Finally Trump went on record to say that Iran was going to launch preemptive strikes against the US on its own. One can’t help but to be reminded of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Colin Powell’s false alarms regarding Iraq’s “weapons of mass destruction.” Does the United States really need to repeat that huge cluster-fuck… and so soon?

I have another theory about the rationale behind this war that is as good as the buffoon in charge: This war is sponsored by all the weapons manufacturers to “test” their products in a nearly risk-free environment—given that Iran is hardly a challenge when it comes to their military prowess. Again, another case of going after low-hanging fruit—a hallmark of this administration.

Absurdity from a Local Oligarch

It was a laughable presentation at the recent Northwest College Board of Trustees meeting when community leader and Powell Tribune owner Dave Bonner stood up before the Gods of Northwest College (a.k.a. Board of Trustees) to challenge the idea of renaming the college.

Sadly, Bonner’s new plan is nothing more than a new spin on our worn-out, vanilla moniker.

His solution? “Northwest College: On Yellowstone’s Door” with the words “at Powell and Cody” awkwardly included somewhere in his proposed word salad. It all struck me as a textbook illustration of beating a dead horse. Might as well include our zip code too.

 

Bonner spoke of the additional cost associated with a name change, but failed to mention how the college dedicated an extra $80-grand almost three years ago on a new marketing plan for good-old, multi-directional, but-we’re-not-in-Washington-state, Northwest College. How did that go? I didn’t see any results from that little investment. So now Bonner is telling us that “Northwest College: the gateway to Yellowstone” and including “Powell • Cody” will make it all less confusing? That’s the best we can come up with—doubling down on vanilla? Wow!

If our name is as great as he declares, surely it can stand on its own without a clumsy clarification statement attached to it. And history has proven over and over, that’s not the case—not when there’s dozens of other schools out there using “Northwest” in their names as well.

Let’s apply this “Bonner Logic” to that popular television series…“Yellowstone: mostly in Montana, but some in Wyoming.”

Or, consider that Major League Baseball team in Cleveland. “The Cleveland Indians: Guardians of the Land.”

Or how about that pro football team in Washington? “The Washington Redskins: Commanders of the Capitol.”

Yeah, those are much better.

The publisher’s antiquated thinking was also endorsed by his Zoom-based, posse-of-two, affluent Foundation officers and directors who basically said, “Yeah, what Dave said.” Added to that, Bonner provided more “evidence” for not changing the name because all the old guys in his morning coffee klatch said it was a bad idea too.

I was tempted to stand up and shout, “Well, the old guys in my coffee klatch think the name should have been changed to Yellowstone College back in ’89 when ‘Community’ was deleted from the name!” So, there’s that.

Bonner referenced that time as well saying that the Board of Trustees also considered Yellowstone College back then, but didn’t do it; as if there was a greater wisdom present in the ’89 Board of Trustees than today’s.

No doubt, it will be disappointing if the Board of Trustees heeds the vapid rationale from this Powell oligarch and his Foundation cronies. But, beyond disappointing, it will be downright embarrassing.